On my last solo night out, I found myself to be SO depressed afterwards...I'm not sure I want to do it again. But not because it wasn't fun nor interesting ... it just left me feeling....empty? Lonely? I'm not sure.
On Friday, May 4th, I was working a "closing shift" at work, meaning I got out at 6:00pm instead of my normal 4:30. I figured this was the perfect opportunity to take myself out after work to the nearby Ruby Tuesdays before heading home. I had gotten a gift card for my birthday back in February, and hadn't used it yet. Friday is jeans day at work, so I wasn't wearing my scrubs, but I did change out of my T-shirt, thanks to baby boogers.
I go into the bar area, it's small. The bartender is an attractive tall thin gray haired man. I order a "cucumber cooler". It has fresh cucumber and mint leaves in it and a lot of lime. "Is it too limey for you?" He asks. Oh no, this is perfect! I order a pasta with veggies and chicken.
There's a group of three men having drinks at the bar, they appear to be friends and regulars. They know the bartender by name, and also seem to know other patrons. I over hear their names. There's "Noodle", he appears to be in his 40s with a little salt in his hair, kind of in an attractive way. There's "Dave", he's big and round and loud. There's "Nick", he's on the younger side, maybe 30s, and is cute in the way that that guy Nick from the "New Girl" TV series is cute!
One patron goes over to Nick, he appears to have some kind of impairment, he keeps repeating the same sentences as he shows something to Nick on his phone. Nick is patient and kind, and talks to this guy politely. They seem to have spoken before. Meanwhile, Nick's friends are laughing at this other guy. Nick says to the patron, "Ignore these two, they are assholes!!!" THANK YOU NICK! Their laughter was pissing me off as this other patron was trying to explain something and was obviously having trouble (in a way that was not due to alcohol consumption).
I'm pretty much done with my dinner, and a man with a bright yellow shirt open on the collar, and a surfer style wooden beaded necklace around his neck, comes and sits next to me at the corner of the bar. He's quite talkative, telling me all about the dinner deals you can get online and through Groupon. Like two meals for the price of one (he's a big round guy BTW). And the free Friday buffet at the Orange Ale House (from which he has just left). He said he's single, so he eats out a lot and is always looking for coupons.
Groupon guy goes to talk to that same patron that was trying to talk to Nick, and Big Dave turns to me and gets talkative. I hear his life story, he's a mailman and he's moving so his kitchen is all packed up and he can't cook.
I have leftovers on my plate and my bartender brings me a box. I try to lift the plate, a couple times, but it is too heavy. He's headed back my way and I ask him for help. "Of course!" He says, "I was just going to do that for you!". Very nice. I had to box my own dinner at Applebees. Heavy plate there too.
Big Dave's friend "Noodle" is now here again and asks me, "What's for dinner? " Do you mean what WAS for dinner? Because obviously I had been there eating next to them. I am getting up to leave and Noodle says, "Drive home safe! "
I got home safe of course, only one drink. All hopped up and tired at the same time, and became utterly depressed. If I had stayed, I could have had some more nice conversations with those guys. But did I really want to? I did, but I didn't want to seem desperate for company. I only talk to my coworkers when we have a chance, and to my parents once a week. So I WAS desperate. And that felt awful. And I didn't know how my interest would go over with these guys. I didn't want to get hit on. But talking with a man, even with an unattractive one, was a nice change.
Nick was cute though, I think I caught his eye in the mirror behind the bar.
I don't think I'll go out solo again for a while. Luckily I ran into a friend at the grocery store a couple weeks ago, and she invited me to go out to a thing all the wives are going to next Saturday night. That should be fun, and not at all awkward I hope. Especially since I thought I was going to be one of those wives in that group...and haven't seen or really heard from them at all.
Saturday, May 19, 2018
How He Would "Punish" Me....and stopped wanting to see me
Someone told me, that to help get over this last big break up, that I should not linger on the good times that I was missing, but remember how bad things got for me, and how miserable I was. Now, this was not from a licensed professional, it was from my mom. My poor mother suffered from months of emails from me, when I was feeling neglected, useless, and at my wit's end. And my mother had so very much wanted him to be a permanent member in our family. She adored him. So I'll write about some of the bad stuff.
There were a lot of things that started going sour last summer. He started doing things to, in a sense, punish me. And we stopped sharing dinners together for a while.
Sundays were always for him. Back when I worked nights and weekends, I always had Sundays off unless there were certain events that I had to work. And I spent all of those Sundays with Him. We would spend the day together. We may have done something fun, like going for a walk or a hike or visiting our families. But mostly we spent them doing His errands together, working around His yard, maybe taking an afternoon nap, listening to music, talking, and cooking a nice meal, having a couple of drinks and watching a movie or a few shows on TV or netflix. I LOVED SUNDAYS. I loved spending that time with him and helping him out.
One summer Sunday night I was particularly upset. Not with him, but about something else. We talked about it, but at bedtime, I was lying there seething while I listened to him breathe. I thought he had been asleep, and I couldn't sleep. So I quietly crept out of bed, went downstairs and poured myself a stiff drink to try to settle down. It was warm and nice outside, so I paced around out there as I ranted on Facebook expressing my feelings while I thought he slept. Well, he comes storming out..."What the hell are you doing??!!" I tell him I couldn't sleep, was upset, thought he was asleep etc. "Why the hell don't you just go home then!" I tell him well maybe I will! But I don't. I settle down and quietly come up to bed a bit later, a tad tipsy, but fell right to sleep. I don't know if he'd fallen asleep or not, he didn't acknowledge me.
After that night he told me, "Sundays don't work for me anymore". I wasn't allowed at his place. For weeks on Sundays he'd come over for maybe an hour or two to my place. He'd either eat dinner or not. At some point we transitioned to it being ok for me to spend Sundays at his place again. We didn't really see each other any other days. Most Saturdays, but not all, and only briefly during the week, but not always.
There was one night I went over to his place directly after work. It may have been a Saturday when I was still working weekends (but never Sundays). Usually, when I would go to his place for dinner after work, he'd either have been prepping a dinner to cook for us, or have a take out menu ready for us to order from. So I get there in my work clothes, put my leftovers from lunch in his fridge, and see fresh ears of corn in there. And I see chicken defrosting on the counter.
Oooh! What's for dinner tonight!? "What the hell, am I supposed to be cooking for you all day?" Um....it looked like you were preparing something...."Why do you think it's for you?!!" (Um, maybe because I was coming over to have dinner with you....) "Well, I was going to cook for us but now I'm not going too!!!!" (Ok, wtf...) I think we may have ended up ordering take out that night....what the heck did I say wrong?
And then there's the nights that he would come to my place. He would only stay long enough for dinner and a show on Netflix. But that stopped. I would always offer him a choice in advance. Such as hey...I can cook either this or this, or we can go out, whatever you prefer. I didn't want to dictate to him what we both shall be eating. Because sometimes you are in the mood for something else, am I right? Well no.
"Why do I have to make all the decisions?!" Sorry, I just wanted to give you a choice. I knew he didn't like being told what to do. That's why I liked offering him a say in it. So he would come over, and I would ask, should I cook this or that? Or shall I take you out or order pizza? "I'm not hungry", he would say. "Eat what you want." Many of those nights I went hungry. I lost my appetite, or didn't want to cook if he wasn't going to share the meal with me. After a while I gave up. I'd cook something. Either he'd eat it or be silent and sullen while I ate and tried to encourage him to have some.
Ok, so you don't want to have dinner with me....do you want to watch a movie? "Whatever you want to do". So I'd find a movie, with no input from him, and watch it with him next to me not paying attention to me, nor watching the show.
I had begun to believe he was suffering from depression. I tip toed around him, trying to make him happy, changed my behaviors with him. Catered towards him and his moods.
Ultimately I failed. I couldn't make him feel happy. AND he blamed his depressive moods on me. That it was all my fault.
There were a lot of things that started going sour last summer. He started doing things to, in a sense, punish me. And we stopped sharing dinners together for a while.
Sundays were always for him. Back when I worked nights and weekends, I always had Sundays off unless there were certain events that I had to work. And I spent all of those Sundays with Him. We would spend the day together. We may have done something fun, like going for a walk or a hike or visiting our families. But mostly we spent them doing His errands together, working around His yard, maybe taking an afternoon nap, listening to music, talking, and cooking a nice meal, having a couple of drinks and watching a movie or a few shows on TV or netflix. I LOVED SUNDAYS. I loved spending that time with him and helping him out.
One summer Sunday night I was particularly upset. Not with him, but about something else. We talked about it, but at bedtime, I was lying there seething while I listened to him breathe. I thought he had been asleep, and I couldn't sleep. So I quietly crept out of bed, went downstairs and poured myself a stiff drink to try to settle down. It was warm and nice outside, so I paced around out there as I ranted on Facebook expressing my feelings while I thought he slept. Well, he comes storming out..."What the hell are you doing??!!" I tell him I couldn't sleep, was upset, thought he was asleep etc. "Why the hell don't you just go home then!" I tell him well maybe I will! But I don't. I settle down and quietly come up to bed a bit later, a tad tipsy, but fell right to sleep. I don't know if he'd fallen asleep or not, he didn't acknowledge me.
After that night he told me, "Sundays don't work for me anymore". I wasn't allowed at his place. For weeks on Sundays he'd come over for maybe an hour or two to my place. He'd either eat dinner or not. At some point we transitioned to it being ok for me to spend Sundays at his place again. We didn't really see each other any other days. Most Saturdays, but not all, and only briefly during the week, but not always.
There was one night I went over to his place directly after work. It may have been a Saturday when I was still working weekends (but never Sundays). Usually, when I would go to his place for dinner after work, he'd either have been prepping a dinner to cook for us, or have a take out menu ready for us to order from. So I get there in my work clothes, put my leftovers from lunch in his fridge, and see fresh ears of corn in there. And I see chicken defrosting on the counter.
Oooh! What's for dinner tonight!? "What the hell, am I supposed to be cooking for you all day?" Um....it looked like you were preparing something...."Why do you think it's for you?!!" (Um, maybe because I was coming over to have dinner with you....) "Well, I was going to cook for us but now I'm not going too!!!!" (Ok, wtf...) I think we may have ended up ordering take out that night....what the heck did I say wrong?
And then there's the nights that he would come to my place. He would only stay long enough for dinner and a show on Netflix. But that stopped. I would always offer him a choice in advance. Such as hey...I can cook either this or this, or we can go out, whatever you prefer. I didn't want to dictate to him what we both shall be eating. Because sometimes you are in the mood for something else, am I right? Well no.
"Why do I have to make all the decisions?!" Sorry, I just wanted to give you a choice. I knew he didn't like being told what to do. That's why I liked offering him a say in it. So he would come over, and I would ask, should I cook this or that? Or shall I take you out or order pizza? "I'm not hungry", he would say. "Eat what you want." Many of those nights I went hungry. I lost my appetite, or didn't want to cook if he wasn't going to share the meal with me. After a while I gave up. I'd cook something. Either he'd eat it or be silent and sullen while I ate and tried to encourage him to have some.
Ok, so you don't want to have dinner with me....do you want to watch a movie? "Whatever you want to do". So I'd find a movie, with no input from him, and watch it with him next to me not paying attention to me, nor watching the show.
I had begun to believe he was suffering from depression. I tip toed around him, trying to make him happy, changed my behaviors with him. Catered towards him and his moods.
Ultimately I failed. I couldn't make him feel happy. AND he blamed his depressive moods on me. That it was all my fault.
Sunday, April 29, 2018
The Five Pound Goblet and People Watching
Ok, so my solo date night blog is turning into a people watching story and a bar food/atmosphere review. And I'm ok with that.
On Saturday April 14th, I was trying a weekend at home without going and staying with my parents. I ended up feeling really blue, so I mustered up the courage to get out. I had a gift card to Applebee's that I'd gotten for my birthday, so off I went.
I thought I was nice and early, but the parking lot was nearly full. People were waiting for tables but there was space at the bar. "Watch your step on the way in!" The hostess says. Thank goodness because I may not have seen those stairs due to looking forwards for a seat.
I sit within several empty seats. There's a man to my right with a smorgasbord in front of him. He looks like the little guy from "A Princess Bride". Inconceivable!
Lol. When he asks for a box, he dropped a couple mozzarella sticks on the floor. He didn't pack up any of the salad, he left that with his napkins on top of it. Gross.
To his right is a couple, maybe in their 50s. The man asked loudly and rudely, "I'd like my bill NOW!". The woman goes over the bill with him, explaining it to him and helping him figure out the tip. I can't figure out if he is drunk or has a disability or both, and he storms out. And the woman remains, apologizing over and over again to the bartender. "I pick and chose my battles with him" she says. She orders another drink and gives the bartender an extra tip. "My sister and I are regulars here. I am so sorry" she says. "She is coming to pick me up". I wonder what kind of drama I missed before I got there.
I have ordered a blackberry sangria. It has come in a glass that weighs a ton! I can't lift it. It is delicious and has several berries and lots of ice floating in it. I sip as I look around.
A VERY attractive black man has sat a cross the bar from me. His black t shirt accentuates his slim but toned torso. He has ear buds in his ears and appears either to be listening to music, or at times talking to people through them on his phone. "You getting your usual, hon?", the staff asks. He seems to be known by many. He orders the salmon. Later he really seemed to quietly enjoy a bowl of ice cream, with his ear buds removed. At one point, he caught my eye and gave me a nice smile and a nod. I returned the smile but then averted my gaze. God damn is he hot!
The apologetic woman has left, and a couple that was leaving noticed she left her glasses on the bartop. "She wasn't having a very good night, was she?" The man says as he handed them to the bartender. "No, she wasn't" answered the bartender. A moment later the man comes back inside and says as he reaches for the apologetic woman's glasses, "she's still outside, making up with him I think, I'll bring them to her".
I've been eating a penne with artichoke and spinach, it's a huge portion and yummy like the goblet of sangria I've been slowly sipping. I couldn't finish the penne, it turned into lunch a couple days later.
There's been an elderly couple to my left, sitting at the bar and eating dinner. They appear to be in their 90s...They seem to be regulars as well. "Hello, sugar, long time no see", the old gentleman says to a beautiful young waitress. "What are you doing still working here? You should be a model!". The young waitress kisses them both on both cheeks as she embraces them, and says, "I'll work on the modeling thing".
The bartender has poured what looks to be the same drink, that I AM STILL working on, for another customer, and the older gentleman asks what it was. She describes it to him. He continues to ask, "what is sangria? What is a margarita?" I enjoy listening as the head bartender heads over to help explain the drinks. I didn't notice if the elderly couple had been having anything to drink.
The elderly couple is replaced by two women who order drinks as their families wait at the hostess station for a table to eat. They are "pre gaming" as they say to the bartender. There is quite a line to get a table at this point.
Overall review: Good food. Good drink. Entertaining people watching. I have $5 left on the gift card so I have to go back. I didn't talk to anybody. I didn't want to. It was nice to get a smile and a nod from the solo hot guy. But I am really not going out to meet someone. Not at all. This is all about just getting myself out of the house and getting dinner. For now. For a while probably.
On Saturday April 14th, I was trying a weekend at home without going and staying with my parents. I ended up feeling really blue, so I mustered up the courage to get out. I had a gift card to Applebee's that I'd gotten for my birthday, so off I went.
I thought I was nice and early, but the parking lot was nearly full. People were waiting for tables but there was space at the bar. "Watch your step on the way in!" The hostess says. Thank goodness because I may not have seen those stairs due to looking forwards for a seat.
I sit within several empty seats. There's a man to my right with a smorgasbord in front of him. He looks like the little guy from "A Princess Bride". Inconceivable!
Lol. When he asks for a box, he dropped a couple mozzarella sticks on the floor. He didn't pack up any of the salad, he left that with his napkins on top of it. Gross.
To his right is a couple, maybe in their 50s. The man asked loudly and rudely, "I'd like my bill NOW!". The woman goes over the bill with him, explaining it to him and helping him figure out the tip. I can't figure out if he is drunk or has a disability or both, and he storms out. And the woman remains, apologizing over and over again to the bartender. "I pick and chose my battles with him" she says. She orders another drink and gives the bartender an extra tip. "My sister and I are regulars here. I am so sorry" she says. "She is coming to pick me up". I wonder what kind of drama I missed before I got there.
I have ordered a blackberry sangria. It has come in a glass that weighs a ton! I can't lift it. It is delicious and has several berries and lots of ice floating in it. I sip as I look around.
A VERY attractive black man has sat a cross the bar from me. His black t shirt accentuates his slim but toned torso. He has ear buds in his ears and appears either to be listening to music, or at times talking to people through them on his phone. "You getting your usual, hon?", the staff asks. He seems to be known by many. He orders the salmon. Later he really seemed to quietly enjoy a bowl of ice cream, with his ear buds removed. At one point, he caught my eye and gave me a nice smile and a nod. I returned the smile but then averted my gaze. God damn is he hot!
The apologetic woman has left, and a couple that was leaving noticed she left her glasses on the bartop. "She wasn't having a very good night, was she?" The man says as he handed them to the bartender. "No, she wasn't" answered the bartender. A moment later the man comes back inside and says as he reaches for the apologetic woman's glasses, "she's still outside, making up with him I think, I'll bring them to her".
I've been eating a penne with artichoke and spinach, it's a huge portion and yummy like the goblet of sangria I've been slowly sipping. I couldn't finish the penne, it turned into lunch a couple days later.
There's been an elderly couple to my left, sitting at the bar and eating dinner. They appear to be in their 90s...They seem to be regulars as well. "Hello, sugar, long time no see", the old gentleman says to a beautiful young waitress. "What are you doing still working here? You should be a model!". The young waitress kisses them both on both cheeks as she embraces them, and says, "I'll work on the modeling thing".
The bartender has poured what looks to be the same drink, that I AM STILL working on, for another customer, and the older gentleman asks what it was. She describes it to him. He continues to ask, "what is sangria? What is a margarita?" I enjoy listening as the head bartender heads over to help explain the drinks. I didn't notice if the elderly couple had been having anything to drink.
The elderly couple is replaced by two women who order drinks as their families wait at the hostess station for a table to eat. They are "pre gaming" as they say to the bartender. There is quite a line to get a table at this point.
Overall review: Good food. Good drink. Entertaining people watching. I have $5 left on the gift card so I have to go back. I didn't talk to anybody. I didn't want to. It was nice to get a smile and a nod from the solo hot guy. But I am really not going out to meet someone. Not at all. This is all about just getting myself out of the house and getting dinner. For now. For a while probably.
Sunday, April 22, 2018
Black Bean burger, scrub guys, and "The Shot"
So, I went out by myself on March 30th, Black Friday. I had hopes to invite a coworker of mine for a girls night out for her birthday, but she was under the weather so I went out solo.
I was in the mood for a burger and a beer. So I headed downtown to Eli's Tavern. I got there at a little after 7:00, and several seats had just opened up at the bar. I wondered if maybe I had just missed a Happy Hour. I sat down with empty seats on either side of me. Looking at the menu, I decided to go for the black bean burger (never had one before) and a lager.
A few minutes later, a young woman sat down to my left, by herself. I offered her my menu and drink list as the bartender hadn't gotten to her yet. "Can i have your name to start your tab?" The bartender asks. "No, i'm just having the one, i'll pay cash" she says. He brings her a fancy looking pink drink in a champagne flute style glass. An older woman sits down further to her left, by herself, and she seems to be a regular.
The young woman sips her fancy drink daintily but quickly as she reads what looks like an article on her phone. Within 10 or 15 minutes that fancy drink is gone and paid for, and she leaves. The bartender collects her glass, looks at me, and says, "Well, I guess that was a shot!!". We both laughed. That was probably a very expensive shot!
A few minutes later a young guy wearing a hoody and a beat up baseball cap takes her place. He tells the bartender that a buddy will be meeting him there. He keeps to himself.
At this point my black bean burger has arrived. I go to take a bite and HALF the "burger" falls onto my plate. I struggle to eat it, alternating between using a fork and trying to shove the crumbly bean patty back into the bun.
The buddy joins the young guy. "You are still wearing your scrubs!" He says. And so is he now that I notice his pants. They get menus, and the young guy turns to me and asks, "what's good here?" Not the black bean burger! I answer. I should have ordered a real burger! "Well, I could have told you that!" He laughs and turns back to his menu and his buddy. They both ordered a "milford mule" to drink, it came in a copper cup. I may have to try it next time I go.
I manage to finish the beer, the beans, and the french fries, and I am suddenly very sleepy. I've already had a water, as well as I scooped black bean patty crumbles off my plate. I pay up, head home, climb into bed, and am asleep half an hour later.
So it was a night of people watching. I had several other things that I observed from my perch. Not all that interesting. Not all that exciting. Never ordering a black bean burger again. But I will go back to that place.
I was in the mood for a burger and a beer. So I headed downtown to Eli's Tavern. I got there at a little after 7:00, and several seats had just opened up at the bar. I wondered if maybe I had just missed a Happy Hour. I sat down with empty seats on either side of me. Looking at the menu, I decided to go for the black bean burger (never had one before) and a lager.
A few minutes later, a young woman sat down to my left, by herself. I offered her my menu and drink list as the bartender hadn't gotten to her yet. "Can i have your name to start your tab?" The bartender asks. "No, i'm just having the one, i'll pay cash" she says. He brings her a fancy looking pink drink in a champagne flute style glass. An older woman sits down further to her left, by herself, and she seems to be a regular.
The young woman sips her fancy drink daintily but quickly as she reads what looks like an article on her phone. Within 10 or 15 minutes that fancy drink is gone and paid for, and she leaves. The bartender collects her glass, looks at me, and says, "Well, I guess that was a shot!!". We both laughed. That was probably a very expensive shot!
A few minutes later a young guy wearing a hoody and a beat up baseball cap takes her place. He tells the bartender that a buddy will be meeting him there. He keeps to himself.
At this point my black bean burger has arrived. I go to take a bite and HALF the "burger" falls onto my plate. I struggle to eat it, alternating between using a fork and trying to shove the crumbly bean patty back into the bun.
The buddy joins the young guy. "You are still wearing your scrubs!" He says. And so is he now that I notice his pants. They get menus, and the young guy turns to me and asks, "what's good here?" Not the black bean burger! I answer. I should have ordered a real burger! "Well, I could have told you that!" He laughs and turns back to his menu and his buddy. They both ordered a "milford mule" to drink, it came in a copper cup. I may have to try it next time I go.
I manage to finish the beer, the beans, and the french fries, and I am suddenly very sleepy. I've already had a water, as well as I scooped black bean patty crumbles off my plate. I pay up, head home, climb into bed, and am asleep half an hour later.
So it was a night of people watching. I had several other things that I observed from my perch. Not all that interesting. Not all that exciting. Never ordering a black bean burger again. But I will go back to that place.
Thursday, March 29, 2018
About being "Single" and "Solo" AND how I am NOT
About being "Single":
First of all, I don't feel "Single" AT ALL. It's been about 4 1/2 months since I actually broke up from HIM. And my heart still feels married to him.
We weren't married, but I thought we were going to be. For the first time in my life, after dating guys for over 20 years, I was with THE ONE whom I wanted to marry, and he said he wanted to marry me too (again, first time, sort of...)...but...he didn't. I was SO sure that it was going to happen. He felt SO RIGHT. Everything that we wanted together was SO RIGHT. We had plans for our future together, and I was in bliss whenever I was with him, until the end.
When he miserable, so was I. I couldn't stand it when he was down, I was so connected to him that I suffered. For months I was constantly trying to make him feel better, and his misery became mine. My heart and soul was focused solely on bringing happiness to him, until he turned against me entirely.
I guess it's actually a good thing that we hadn't gotten married yet, I guess that getting divorced can be very very messy. We had no mutual accounts, I wasn't moved in (yet), and we didn't have children (yet). But all of these things I had seen in my future with him. And it's hard to get past that. It feels pretty much impossible that anyone else could possibly take his place in my heart and my plans for my life. And I am much older than I'd like to be, and, technically, "Single". And not looking. Not yet, and maybe not ever again?
We shall see. I'm not over HIM yet, will I ever be?
On being "Solo":
I don't have very many friends. I'm not sure why. I'm likable and kind, and I am always there for a friend that needs me.
For years, my closest friend (from college days) lived in London, and then Boston, just 3 hours away but we talked every other day and visited each other as much as possible. She stopped talking to me the week that I got back together with HIM (a long story, and I never got concrete reasons from her).
I suppose I am mostly "Solo" because I like being at home, and don't like having people over...entertaining is not a skill of mine and causes extreme anxiety. I DO have friends that invite me out, but has often been for something late at night, or far away. And I have been in social situations that I didn't like.
I DO have a very social need in me. I don't mind crowds, usually, and meeting random new people, although the prospect of it has at times been a little daunting. For example, every couple of months, while my former best friend was living in Boston, I'd go out dancing at clubs with her and her partner and have a blast, and make new friends.
On How I Am Not Alone:
Firstly, thanks to my Mom!!!! For OH HOW SO many months she has suffered from emails from me. From when I was feeling so neglected and shut off from HIM, to when I couldn't understand it at all, and when it ended and I was an absolute mess. She adored HIM, but she stood by my side and does her best to pick me up and support me when I am down. I'll never forget the night that I called her cell phone, and then my parent's home phone well after they had gone to sleep, it was my first instinct, I was in really bad shape and needed help. She and my dad came and took me home to their house late that night.
Secondly:
Amazingly and incredibly, I have friends who care about me via a social group that I managed when I owned my bead store. Even though I had I had to close my store years ago, many of those women are still my friends on Facebook. And MANY of them have showed their support and care for me when I post about my troubles. I got together with a couple of them several weeks ago. It was so nice to catch up and spend some time together. Tomorrow night I am getting together with another for a girl's night out. I feel blessed.
Written 3/21/18. That girl's night out hasn't happened, YET.
First of all, I don't feel "Single" AT ALL. It's been about 4 1/2 months since I actually broke up from HIM. And my heart still feels married to him.
We weren't married, but I thought we were going to be. For the first time in my life, after dating guys for over 20 years, I was with THE ONE whom I wanted to marry, and he said he wanted to marry me too (again, first time, sort of...)...but...he didn't. I was SO sure that it was going to happen. He felt SO RIGHT. Everything that we wanted together was SO RIGHT. We had plans for our future together, and I was in bliss whenever I was with him, until the end.
When he miserable, so was I. I couldn't stand it when he was down, I was so connected to him that I suffered. For months I was constantly trying to make him feel better, and his misery became mine. My heart and soul was focused solely on bringing happiness to him, until he turned against me entirely.
I guess it's actually a good thing that we hadn't gotten married yet, I guess that getting divorced can be very very messy. We had no mutual accounts, I wasn't moved in (yet), and we didn't have children (yet). But all of these things I had seen in my future with him. And it's hard to get past that. It feels pretty much impossible that anyone else could possibly take his place in my heart and my plans for my life. And I am much older than I'd like to be, and, technically, "Single". And not looking. Not yet, and maybe not ever again?
We shall see. I'm not over HIM yet, will I ever be?
On being "Solo":
I don't have very many friends. I'm not sure why. I'm likable and kind, and I am always there for a friend that needs me.
For years, my closest friend (from college days) lived in London, and then Boston, just 3 hours away but we talked every other day and visited each other as much as possible. She stopped talking to me the week that I got back together with HIM (a long story, and I never got concrete reasons from her).
I suppose I am mostly "Solo" because I like being at home, and don't like having people over...entertaining is not a skill of mine and causes extreme anxiety. I DO have friends that invite me out, but has often been for something late at night, or far away. And I have been in social situations that I didn't like.
I DO have a very social need in me. I don't mind crowds, usually, and meeting random new people, although the prospect of it has at times been a little daunting. For example, every couple of months, while my former best friend was living in Boston, I'd go out dancing at clubs with her and her partner and have a blast, and make new friends.
On How I Am Not Alone:
Firstly, thanks to my Mom!!!! For OH HOW SO many months she has suffered from emails from me. From when I was feeling so neglected and shut off from HIM, to when I couldn't understand it at all, and when it ended and I was an absolute mess. She adored HIM, but she stood by my side and does her best to pick me up and support me when I am down. I'll never forget the night that I called her cell phone, and then my parent's home phone well after they had gone to sleep, it was my first instinct, I was in really bad shape and needed help. She and my dad came and took me home to their house late that night.
Secondly:
Amazingly and incredibly, I have friends who care about me via a social group that I managed when I owned my bead store. Even though I had I had to close my store years ago, many of those women are still my friends on Facebook. And MANY of them have showed their support and care for me when I post about my troubles. I got together with a couple of them several weeks ago. It was so nice to catch up and spend some time together. Tomorrow night I am getting together with another for a girl's night out. I feel blessed.
Written 3/21/18. That girl's night out hasn't happened, YET.
Saturday, March 17, 2018
The Solo Meet-Up Hiker, the Attorney, and the Familiar Bartender From Next Door
What a fun night out Thursday evening! I walked into El Barrio a little after 7:00. The French Man's bicycle is parked out front between his two restaurants. There's a fair amount of people there, and impressively, 99.5% of them were women! There's an empty seat in between a pair of young ladies, and a woman who appeared to be by herself. She's eating some tapas that looks delicious.
The bartender, who looked familiar, gives me the menu. The titles of the dishes are indeciferable, Spanish I assume, but I recognized very few words besides "pollo" and "ensalada", and nothing on the wine list looks familiar (i.e. not called a cabernet or chardonay). I tell the bartender that I'd like a glass of something red, but I didn't know what these wines were. He describes them to me and gives them labels I understand. I order the red that is similar to a pinot noir (a "pegoes"?). I point to the item on the menu that I'd like to get (the description of it was a salad with duck meat, but the name of it was 7 Spanish words long). He laughed and said, "Oh yes, the duck salad! The owner named this salad and I had to have the name shortened so I could fit the description on the menu!" The owner being The Blue Eyed Frenchman from next door :)
The solo woman next to me has curly dark hair with a nice big white streak through it, and she is friendly and quite talkative! Her name is "Donna" (Names are changed to protect their privacy). I say that it was my first time here, finally! I had been looking forward to the place opening but hadn't made it in yet. So she introduces me to the Bartender, "Liam". Turns out Liam used to be the Bar Manager next door at Bistro Basque. Hence why I recognized him (he must have been there for YEARS, I think he was mentioned in a long ago blog post!). And Liam went with her to shop for a new car a couple weeks ago because she needed a wing man. Donna is new in town, and doesn't know too many local people.
She tells me the story of her car shopping with Liam, our excellent bartender, and he chimes in. I ask him if he'll help me in a year or so? He laughs and with a big smile says he is a great shopping partner for a single woman because he's good with all the car shopping apps, and he's gay, so he can pretend to be your husband. LOL. So Liam is my new favorite bartender. Not that I had any previous favorites, having not been out in a long while.
Donna also informs me that I just missed Happy Hour with reduced specials on wine and apps, and I could tell she had definitely partaken in the happy hour specials. She tells me there's live music at SBC at 7:30, the performer being a middle school teacher who is starting his show after completing parent teacher conferences. (She stopped in and met him a few hours as he was setting up, and she was walking over to El Barrio). By the way, by 9:30 she was still with me, drinking water and talking my ear off. I thoroughly enjoyed Donna, I felt we had a lot in common.
Here is why:
She asked me what brought me to El Barrio. I answer that I needed to get out of the house and do something on my own at least once a week. She said the same thing. It went on and on from there. She affirmed what I was doing, being ok with being alone, and doing things alone. She was polite about it, she said, "I don't know what your circumstances are...but you have to be ok with being alone and doing things by yourself, and also meeting new people", and we talked about how it takes time and courage. I didn't ask her circumstances, but there was an air of both sadness and strength about her. We talked about how hard it was for me to get myself out, because I was tired. "Do you have young children?" She asked. No...I take care of young children, infants, a lot of them, and it can be exhausting. She has two boys, now in their mid 20's. I'm guessing she is 50 something. She tells me I should probably get out more, and that it doesn't always have to cost money. Yes, I know, I told her I had been trying!
She proceeds to tell me about the great experiences she's had through meetup.com, a site I had heard of years ago, but had never done anything with it. She belongs to a hiking group on there and shows me dozens of pictures of places she's hiked. She says it's not a way to meet the man of your dreams (most of the members are women, she also points out the male to female ratio where we are), but that she has a lot of fun, meets great new people and gets to get out and do things with other people that have similar interests. I am enthralled. Meetup.com here I come. I want to join that hiking group. She also recommended that I go to events at the Milford Fine Arts Center. She says she goes frequently, buys pairs of tickets in advance, and often has an extra ticket and goes alone and has great experiences with random new people. She tells me, "You are so young, you shouldn't be alone". I laughed and said I wasn't so young, and that I was beginning to be okay with being by myself. I kind of wanted to hug Donna. She was so great.
I'm on my second glass of wine and have only managed a couple bites of my large duck and arugula salad, because we are talking so much. She keeps apologizing for interrupting my dinner. And I keep saying, no it's okay, I'm enjoying talking to you!
At some point, an older gentleman wearing what looks like an old tweed suit, sits on the other side of Donna. Bartender Liam introduces us to him, his name is "Bob", another regular. Bob is an attorney, the fact of which comes out in a joke about what he is wearing via our bartender. He joins our conversations. We talk about where we live in town. Turns out he nearly sued my neighborhood for their restrictions on summer rentals. I had to laugh. He was very pleasant, had a kind face. Throughout the evening he was texting with his (grown) daughter, helping her write a cover letter for something, because he was good with words and she needed help. At one point she called him instead of texting, because he was too busy talking to us instead of texting her back. At some point I learned that he is 72.
The two young ladies to my left had left, and a couple took their place, ordering wine and some tapas. They were very friendly too and introduced themselves. They joined in our conversations and asked me if the three of us (Donna, Bob, and I) were out together. No, LOL, we all just met tonight.
Attorney Bob who nearly sued my neighborhood association noticed my wine glass was empty, and had Liam fill me up (on his tab apparently, as it wasn't on my bill). Donna felt ready enough to walk back to her new Lexus and drive it home to her new apartment in Walnut Beach. Bob started showing me photos of his adorable baby granddaughter.
I was now drinking water, and the friendly couple and the attorney had started talking politics across me. So I said my goodnights and nice to meet yous, and headed home. I had been out for almost three hours, and it was way passed my bedtime.
Conclusion:
DEFINITELY going back to El Barrio. It was comfortable and safe feeling. There were locals, friendly people, attentive staff. Not a "pick-up" bar. A high end tapas bar with regulars. Not cheap, and totally worth it. I only got sad briefly, when Donna asked me if I'd hiked Sleeping Giant Mountain, and I answered that I had planned to, but......And I'm definitely going to explore meetup.com and find Donna on there through the hiking group.
So the question is, where do I go next week?
The bartender, who looked familiar, gives me the menu. The titles of the dishes are indeciferable, Spanish I assume, but I recognized very few words besides "pollo" and "ensalada", and nothing on the wine list looks familiar (i.e. not called a cabernet or chardonay). I tell the bartender that I'd like a glass of something red, but I didn't know what these wines were. He describes them to me and gives them labels I understand. I order the red that is similar to a pinot noir (a "pegoes"?). I point to the item on the menu that I'd like to get (the description of it was a salad with duck meat, but the name of it was 7 Spanish words long). He laughed and said, "Oh yes, the duck salad! The owner named this salad and I had to have the name shortened so I could fit the description on the menu!" The owner being The Blue Eyed Frenchman from next door :)
The solo woman next to me has curly dark hair with a nice big white streak through it, and she is friendly and quite talkative! Her name is "Donna" (Names are changed to protect their privacy). I say that it was my first time here, finally! I had been looking forward to the place opening but hadn't made it in yet. So she introduces me to the Bartender, "Liam". Turns out Liam used to be the Bar Manager next door at Bistro Basque. Hence why I recognized him (he must have been there for YEARS, I think he was mentioned in a long ago blog post!). And Liam went with her to shop for a new car a couple weeks ago because she needed a wing man. Donna is new in town, and doesn't know too many local people.
She tells me the story of her car shopping with Liam, our excellent bartender, and he chimes in. I ask him if he'll help me in a year or so? He laughs and with a big smile says he is a great shopping partner for a single woman because he's good with all the car shopping apps, and he's gay, so he can pretend to be your husband. LOL. So Liam is my new favorite bartender. Not that I had any previous favorites, having not been out in a long while.
Donna also informs me that I just missed Happy Hour with reduced specials on wine and apps, and I could tell she had definitely partaken in the happy hour specials. She tells me there's live music at SBC at 7:30, the performer being a middle school teacher who is starting his show after completing parent teacher conferences. (She stopped in and met him a few hours as he was setting up, and she was walking over to El Barrio). By the way, by 9:30 she was still with me, drinking water and talking my ear off. I thoroughly enjoyed Donna, I felt we had a lot in common.
Here is why:
She asked me what brought me to El Barrio. I answer that I needed to get out of the house and do something on my own at least once a week. She said the same thing. It went on and on from there. She affirmed what I was doing, being ok with being alone, and doing things alone. She was polite about it, she said, "I don't know what your circumstances are...but you have to be ok with being alone and doing things by yourself, and also meeting new people", and we talked about how it takes time and courage. I didn't ask her circumstances, but there was an air of both sadness and strength about her. We talked about how hard it was for me to get myself out, because I was tired. "Do you have young children?" She asked. No...I take care of young children, infants, a lot of them, and it can be exhausting. She has two boys, now in their mid 20's. I'm guessing she is 50 something. She tells me I should probably get out more, and that it doesn't always have to cost money. Yes, I know, I told her I had been trying!
She proceeds to tell me about the great experiences she's had through meetup.com, a site I had heard of years ago, but had never done anything with it. She belongs to a hiking group on there and shows me dozens of pictures of places she's hiked. She says it's not a way to meet the man of your dreams (most of the members are women, she also points out the male to female ratio where we are), but that she has a lot of fun, meets great new people and gets to get out and do things with other people that have similar interests. I am enthralled. Meetup.com here I come. I want to join that hiking group. She also recommended that I go to events at the Milford Fine Arts Center. She says she goes frequently, buys pairs of tickets in advance, and often has an extra ticket and goes alone and has great experiences with random new people. She tells me, "You are so young, you shouldn't be alone". I laughed and said I wasn't so young, and that I was beginning to be okay with being by myself. I kind of wanted to hug Donna. She was so great.
I'm on my second glass of wine and have only managed a couple bites of my large duck and arugula salad, because we are talking so much. She keeps apologizing for interrupting my dinner. And I keep saying, no it's okay, I'm enjoying talking to you!
At some point, an older gentleman wearing what looks like an old tweed suit, sits on the other side of Donna. Bartender Liam introduces us to him, his name is "Bob", another regular. Bob is an attorney, the fact of which comes out in a joke about what he is wearing via our bartender. He joins our conversations. We talk about where we live in town. Turns out he nearly sued my neighborhood for their restrictions on summer rentals. I had to laugh. He was very pleasant, had a kind face. Throughout the evening he was texting with his (grown) daughter, helping her write a cover letter for something, because he was good with words and she needed help. At one point she called him instead of texting, because he was too busy talking to us instead of texting her back. At some point I learned that he is 72.
The two young ladies to my left had left, and a couple took their place, ordering wine and some tapas. They were very friendly too and introduced themselves. They joined in our conversations and asked me if the three of us (Donna, Bob, and I) were out together. No, LOL, we all just met tonight.
Attorney Bob who nearly sued my neighborhood association noticed my wine glass was empty, and had Liam fill me up (on his tab apparently, as it wasn't on my bill). Donna felt ready enough to walk back to her new Lexus and drive it home to her new apartment in Walnut Beach. Bob started showing me photos of his adorable baby granddaughter.
I was now drinking water, and the friendly couple and the attorney had started talking politics across me. So I said my goodnights and nice to meet yous, and headed home. I had been out for almost three hours, and it was way passed my bedtime.
Conclusion:
DEFINITELY going back to El Barrio. It was comfortable and safe feeling. There were locals, friendly people, attentive staff. Not a "pick-up" bar. A high end tapas bar with regulars. Not cheap, and totally worth it. I only got sad briefly, when Donna asked me if I'd hiked Sleeping Giant Mountain, and I answered that I had planned to, but......And I'm definitely going to explore meetup.com and find Donna on there through the hiking group.
So the question is, where do I go next week?
Wednesday, March 7, 2018
Its Been a While...thought this blog was dead
Well, it's been several months since I'd been out to dinner with anyone else beside my parents, and many years since I've gone out solo. For a couple of weeks now, I've been working myself up to going out again. For quite a while I had thought this blog was retired for good. I am now ready to start it up again.
I'd been hoping to go to El Barrio, a new place that opened up downtown last year that I hadn't been to yet, on Wednesday night. But we are having a major snowstorm tomorrow, and El Barrio is closed on Tuesdays (tried to go there last Tuesday for my birthday). So I decided to hit up an old familiar favorite: SBC. I pulled into the parking lot at around 7:20, and it was full! No spaces available! What?? On a Tuesday night??? I had to park up on River Street. By the time I walked up to the restaurant, two spaces had opened up, Ugh, oh well, walking is good.
I tell the hostess I want to eat at the bar, and she smiles me in. First available seat is next to a man sitting by himself. I bypass THAT seat and head around to the next open seat, next to a couple and several other empty spaces at the back end of the bar. My server is named Maureen, and she gives me several menus. On the draft menu is a lager by Bad Sons Brewery, a new place in Derby that I've driven past many times. I ask her about it and she asks if I would like a taste. "May I?" It was good, I ordered a pint and a buffalo chicken wrap.
While waiting for my food, I am checking FB for morale boosting likes and comments, and see that SBC has a guest wifi. I say to my server that I noticed the guest wifi and was it accessible? She gives me the password and I wonder if she'll remember me as the solo female patron with impeccable manors (I'm always "yes please", or "no thank you"). There's a bunch of people leaving the function room at the back of the restaurant, so THAT'S why there was no parking. No one sits in the empty seats to my left, and the couple to my right keep to themselves. The wrap was spicy and the restaurant was cold (thanks I'm sure to all the large floor to ceiling windows). I had to ask Maureen for a paper napkin for my sniffly nose.
I took my time and was there for over an hour, speaking to no one but my server. It has been a while since I've had a beer, and I felt my cheeks getting rosy. I had half of my wrap wrapped up and began my cold walk back to the car. I passed the blue eyed French Man talking to someone outside his restaurant. He said Hello but I'm not sure he recognized me, it's been too long. I've missed Downtown Milford.
All in all, a good first night out solo. I wasn't nervous, or sad. It felt good. I felt okay with being alone. I am vowing to go out once a week. It will break up the monotony and boredom. Next week? El Barrio here I come!!!
I'd been hoping to go to El Barrio, a new place that opened up downtown last year that I hadn't been to yet, on Wednesday night. But we are having a major snowstorm tomorrow, and El Barrio is closed on Tuesdays (tried to go there last Tuesday for my birthday). So I decided to hit up an old familiar favorite: SBC. I pulled into the parking lot at around 7:20, and it was full! No spaces available! What?? On a Tuesday night??? I had to park up on River Street. By the time I walked up to the restaurant, two spaces had opened up, Ugh, oh well, walking is good.
I tell the hostess I want to eat at the bar, and she smiles me in. First available seat is next to a man sitting by himself. I bypass THAT seat and head around to the next open seat, next to a couple and several other empty spaces at the back end of the bar. My server is named Maureen, and she gives me several menus. On the draft menu is a lager by Bad Sons Brewery, a new place in Derby that I've driven past many times. I ask her about it and she asks if I would like a taste. "May I?" It was good, I ordered a pint and a buffalo chicken wrap.
While waiting for my food, I am checking FB for morale boosting likes and comments, and see that SBC has a guest wifi. I say to my server that I noticed the guest wifi and was it accessible? She gives me the password and I wonder if she'll remember me as the solo female patron with impeccable manors (I'm always "yes please", or "no thank you"). There's a bunch of people leaving the function room at the back of the restaurant, so THAT'S why there was no parking. No one sits in the empty seats to my left, and the couple to my right keep to themselves. The wrap was spicy and the restaurant was cold (thanks I'm sure to all the large floor to ceiling windows). I had to ask Maureen for a paper napkin for my sniffly nose.
I took my time and was there for over an hour, speaking to no one but my server. It has been a while since I've had a beer, and I felt my cheeks getting rosy. I had half of my wrap wrapped up and began my cold walk back to the car. I passed the blue eyed French Man talking to someone outside his restaurant. He said Hello but I'm not sure he recognized me, it's been too long. I've missed Downtown Milford.
All in all, a good first night out solo. I wasn't nervous, or sad. It felt good. I felt okay with being alone. I am vowing to go out once a week. It will break up the monotony and boredom. Next week? El Barrio here I come!!!
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