About being "Single" and "Solo" AND how I am NOT

About being "Single":

First of all, I don't feel "Single" AT ALL. It's been about 4 1/2 months since I actually broke up from HIM. And my heart still feels married to him.

We weren't married, but I thought we were going to be. For the first time in my life, after dating guys for over 20 years, I was with THE ONE whom I wanted to marry, and he said he wanted to marry me too (again, first time, sort of...)...but...he didn't. I was SO sure that it was going to happen. He felt SO RIGHT. Everything that we wanted together was SO RIGHT. We had plans for our future together, and I was in bliss whenever I was with him, until the end.

When he miserable, so was I. I couldn't stand it when he was down, I was so connected to him that I suffered. For months I was constantly trying to make him feel better, and his misery became mine. My heart and soul was focused solely on bringing happiness to him, until he turned against me entirely.

I guess it's actually a good thing that we hadn't gotten married yet, I guess that getting divorced can be very very messy. We had no mutual accounts, I wasn't moved in (yet), and we didn't have children (yet). But all of these things I had seen in my future with him.  And it's hard to get past that. It feels  pretty much impossible that anyone else could possibly take his place in my heart and my plans for my life. And I am much older than I'd like to be, and, technically, "Single". And not looking. Not yet, and maybe not ever again?

We shall see. I'm not over HIM yet, will I ever be?

On being "Solo":

I don't have very many friends. I'm not sure why. I'm likable and kind, and I am always there for a friend that needs me.

For years, my closest friend (from college days) lived in London, and then Boston, just 3 hours away but we talked every other day and visited each other as much as possible. She stopped talking to me the week that I got back together with HIM (a long story, and I never got concrete reasons from her).

I suppose I am mostly "Solo" because I like being at home, and don't like having people over...entertaining is not a skill of mine and causes extreme anxiety. I DO have friends that invite me out, but has often been for something late at night, or far away. And I have been in social situations that I didn't like.

I DO have a very social need in me. I don't mind crowds, usually, and meeting random new people, although the prospect of it has at times been a little daunting. For example, every couple of months, while my former best friend was living in Boston, I'd go out dancing at clubs with her and her partner and have a blast, and make new friends.

On How I Am Not Alone:

Firstly, thanks to my Mom!!!! For OH HOW SO many months she has suffered from emails from me. From when I was feeling so neglected and shut off from HIM, to when I couldn't understand it at all, and when it ended and I was an absolute mess. She adored HIM, but she stood by my side and does her best to pick me up and support me when I am down. I'll never forget the night that I called her cell phone, and then my parent's home phone well after they had gone to sleep, it was my first instinct, I was in really bad shape and needed help. She and my dad came and took me home to their house late that night.

Secondly:
Amazingly and incredibly, I have friends who care about me via a social group that I managed when I owned my bead store. Even though I had I had to close my store years ago, many of those women are still my friends on Facebook. And MANY of them have showed their support and care for me when I post about my troubles. I got together with a couple of them several weeks ago. It was so nice to catch up and spend some time together. Tomorrow night I am getting together with another for a girl's night out. I feel blessed.

Written 3/21/18. That girl's night out hasn't happened, YET.